It has been a month since my last writing. I was not feeling well physically with sinus infection and I didn't feel like writing, so I didn’t.
As a person who believes everything happens for a reason, I didn’t worry too much about me being sick or not writing for a while. I just thought not only my body needed a good rest, but also my mind and spirit needed a good rest.
It is funny how the Universe provides the things we need most whether we want them or not. For a while, I was dealing with depression. I believe being in touch with and acutely aware of emotion and feeling comes with being an introvert and sensitive. I always had sporadic moments of being depressed throughout my life. This time, however, made me fall deep enough into it that I needed to come to accept my depression and mental issues and to seek out for a professional help.
Then, sinus infection happened. With a person who has sleep apnea and uses a CPAP machine, sinus infection is not rare. For me, I deal with it once or twice per year. So when my throat started being sore, I thought I would have another episode of sinus infection.
Usually it has been around two weeks from the time my throat gets sore to the time I feel fine again. This time, however, not only it lasted longer, but also I felt it was more intense than usual. I didn’t feel like moving. Although I felt hungry, I just didn’t care so much about eating. I ate whatever that was convenient more mechanically instead of having a craving or desire to eat something specific or savory.
With my body being sick, and not eating healthy homemade meals, I felt not only stressed about being sick, but also I felt restless and anxious and could not sleep well. As I could not workout nor felt like moving, I could tell I was not quite well grounded. I could not focus well when I meditated. I could not comprehend what I was reading when I decided to read a book.
As I was going through this, I thought about what I was learning from this experience. I was reminded how important it was to take care of my body by eating healthy meals, working out frequently, and having enough rest when my body needs it. I also was reminded how important it was to keep my mental wellness in check by meditating regularly, not overcommitting to attend events or being with people.
More importantly, however, this is what I have learned the most: what I am filling my life with.
I remember when I learned the word homeostasis in anatomy class in college. Homeostasis is, in another word, balance. I think it was about balance between within a cell and outside of the cell in a biology sense when my professor taught us about homeostasis.
This was how I was thinking when I thought about what is within me and what I am filling my life with.
When I fee some pressure or expectation from outside of me or when I feel anxious about uncertainty of my future, I may fill my inside with fear in the form of negative thinking, such as “I may fail because I am not good enough,” or collecting credentials or status and showing them off, thinking “look how great I am because I have this and this and this to show off (because otherwise, I feel like I am nothing).”
But then, I also have a choice to fill my inside with love in the form of self-affirmation and self-confidence, such as, “I am good enough,” “I am a good person,” and “I am choosing to be happy regardless of what other people think of me.” Love could be in the form of faith, too, such as “I am well taken care of” and “I am on the right path.”
The choices between fear and love does not limit to just thoughts. We do have choices in our words, actions, and feelings, as well. Am I working out because I want to feel great by moving physically, or because I am afraid of gaining weight and consequently afraid of feeling unattractive? Am I hanging out with my friends because I love them and want to enjoy their company, or because I am afraid of missing out or feeling lonely? Am I filling my days with a lot of things to do because I want to make my dreams come true, or because I am afraid of failure?
It is okay for me to say no to people. It is okay for me to do nothing because that is what I feel like doing. It is okay for me to miss workout. It is okay for me to be alone and enjoy my own company because I know I cherish my alone time.
When I fill my inside with fear, then my external world is filled with fear. If I say something to others out of my own fear, and that’s what I get back from others. If I keep my boundary because I am avoiding unwanted consequence (fear) instead of seeking for and working towards desired results (love), then I experience fear somewhere in my life.
In Japan, there is a saying, “illness comes from what you believe.” If you believe your sickness gets worse, and it gets worse. But the opposite is true as well.
Not that I thought, “I deserve to be sick,” or “I am miserable in my life enough to be sick,” but I can tell I often go back to my old programmed negative thinking of:
“I am not good enough.”
“Nobody likes me.”
“Nobody cares about me.”
“People think I am too weird.”
“I may be a bad person.”
“I deserve this bad treatment/situation.”
when things get tough. It is much easier to keep a positive attitude when things are going well and smoothly. It is much more challenging to keep a positive attitude when life throws you a curve ball or gives you lemon.
Life is accumulations of tiny choices we make every single day. If we consistently chooses love, and our life will be filled with love.
Let us be brave to choose love.
Let us have clarity to choose love.
Let us love ourselves enough to choose love.
We are enough.
We are perfectly imperfect.
We are already loved.
Thank you and I love you.