That’s what I often hear my clients say, after talking about making a change in their life. A change for them might mean speaking their truth instead of silencing themselves and not communicating what they feel, choosing a positive self-talk instead of constantly putting themselves down, or letting things go instead of incessant victimizing of themselves from their past experiences.
When I had a 9-5 job, I took a weeklong vacation almost every year. I always looked forward to that week, counting down to the last day of work, planning ahead with excitement, and imagining myself relaxing and enjoying myself at the destination. Until the last day of work before the vacation, however, I dreaded every minute of working. I hated mundane meetings. I hated being inside of the window-less basement office.
Now out of the 9-5 mentality, with my self-employed status, which provides much less financial freedom, I cannot really afford to take a trip for a vacation. That is my reality. But at the same time, I realized I don’t need a much-anticipated only-once-a-year vacation away from work.
I don’t get stressed out. I work with various kinds of people. If I don’t feel I am connected with them, I don’t have to work with them again. I let my intuition guide me to choose where I work, with whom I work, and when I work for the past two years.
Struggling to make myself excited for the things I was not excited about is gone. Forcing myself to pretend to like things I don’t like is gone. A lot of effortful pushing and pulling is gone.
What is in to my life is allowing my intuition to help me. In is doing what I want to do and allowing my self to feel happy about what I have. In is permitting myself to stay afloat effortlessly and letting the flow of life take me wherever it may lead me.
Am I completely out of experiencing negative things in my life? No. Am I constantly happy and blissful? No. Am I worrying about nothing? No.
What I have learned and am learning is what I do everyday matters. What I choose at every single moment matters and contributes to my happiness. What count in my life is a little million choices I make every single day.
Those little million choices I make are often scary. I don’t mean scary in the sense of life or death. But it is rather scary because it is out of my comfort zone. It is rather scary because I am facing my own fears.
I get scared when I want to tell “I love you” to the people I care and love when I realize their existence in my life is much more meaningful than I imagined. I get scared because I think, “what if they don’t say ‘I love you’ back to me?” I get scared because I think “what if the feeling is not mutual and I am making a fool of myself?” I get scared because I don’t enjoy being rejected.
Then, I think what others think, say, do, or feel is nothing to do with me. I think that I want to say “I love you” to them because that’s how I feel and I want to be honest with my feelings. I think that I would rather say it instead of regretting not saying it.
I get scared when I want to communicate my feeling of upset because someone’s behavior was not thoughtful or considerate. I get scared because I hate confrontation. I get scared because saying something could make things worse. I get scared because I worry about what this person may say back to me or with others.
Then, I go through the same kind of thinking process. I think that what others think, say, do, or feel is nothing to do with me; that I want to say I didn’t like and appreciate what he/she said because I thought it was not considerate; that this is how I feel and I want to be honest with my feelings; and that I would rather say it instead of regretting not saying it.
What I get scared about is my fears I have cultivated in my life:
The possibility of feeling that I am not appreciate,
The possibility of feeling that I am rejected,
The possibility of feeling that I am not worthy,
The possibility of feeling that I am not good enough,
The possibility of feeling that I am not helpful,
The possibility of feeling that my existence doesn’t matter.
These are the reasons why in my life I:
Avoided communicating my feelings,
Avoided communicating what I wanted,
Avoided communicating what I didn’t like,
Tried to make myself invisible,
Tried to make myself small,
Tried to make myself look and sound dumb,
Collected my educational degrees,
Collected my certifications,
Did anything and everything so I look great on my resume.
I am not a saint. I succeed in my attempt sometimes. I also fail in my attempt sometimes.
But what I am is an expert of me. What I am is an expert of happiness for me. What I am is the one who solves problems I have for me.
So when I get scared in my daily life, I consider that challenge to be a practice:
Practice to face my fears,
Practice to feel my feelings,
Practice to be honest with my feelings and acknowledge them,
Practice to communicate my feelings,
Practice to give myself a positive self-talk,
Practice to praise my small daily accomplishments,
Practice to tell myself I am a good and kind person,
Practice to tell myself I matter,
Practice to tell myself I am loved,
Practice to tell myself I am worthy,
Practice to believe in the higher power,
Practice to believe in my own power,
Practice to believe and accept I am perfect in every way God intended.
Yes, it is challenging.
Challenging to keep myself positive,
Challenging to count what I have,
Challenging to be kind, especially to myself,
Challenging to communicate,
Challenging to face my fears,
Challenging to let go,
Challenging to accept,
Challenging to love.
But it is also true that with practice it gets easier.
With practice, I get to be better.
With practice, I love my life more.
With practice, I appreciate my life more.
With practice, I am happier more often.
With practice, I love myself more.
With practice, I believe more.
You are not running a marathon tomorrow. You are not skydiving tomorrow. Your life is not going to end tomorrow.
Your life is not about a weeklong vacation you only take once a year. Your life is everyday. Your life is every choice you make. Your life is this choice you make:
Love or Fear.
Choose what you want. Create what you want. Everything is up to you.
I love you.